5-1-20

I started eating healthy again yesterday morning. So far, I feel like shit still. My stomach has been turning end over end nonstop since I started. My body isn't used to healthy food again. I cut out all bread, all sweets, and all refined sugar.

I quit my job on Monday the 27th. I've been delivering for Door Dash and Uber Eats since then.

I went for a walk earlier.

It's currently 9:04 PM. Had a pretty intense panic attack about 30 minutes ago. Came out of nowhere without any trigger. Got super dizzy and had to lay down. Reached out to a friend, and she helped to calm me down a little. Drank some water. I think it helped.

I'm honestly just tired. Tired of feeling like this. Tired of the internal struggle. I realize my body isn't magically going to change in 2 days... but I was hoping the healthy food would at least make me feel a little better. So far, I think I feel worse. I know it takes time for the body and mind to adjust to change. I'm just... lost.

On the outside, my life probably seems great. I have an amazing girlfriend. I finally got out of a toxic job situation. I started my own business. I'm eating healthy again. Those are all great things. Something is missing, and I can't figure out what exactly.

Currently, my chest hurts. All the coronavirus shit has me so freaked out, it's hard to function sometimes. I think mental health during all this has been largely ignored. I have heard suicide rates are up, and that's not surprising.

I honestly just wish I knew what I needed. I've been searching for an answer for so long. I also have sleep apnea... and I think me being slightly overweight is making it worse. I had my tonsils removed last year. It was supposed to be my 'cure'. It wasn't. The only time the sleep apnea has ever been 'better' was when I was about 25 pounds less than my current weight. I'm hoping the new diet will help.

 The dizziness and panic attacks have been worse than normal lately. I've been trying so hard to find the source. It seems just out of reach every time I feel like I'm getting close to an answer. Hence the current healthy eating. I'm going to give it a few weeks to see if anything changes. I need this to work. I can't live my life like this anymore.