5-3-20

9:29 PM

So... today was overwhelming. I worked DoorDash ALL day today. My weekly pay wasn't as high as I would have liked, so I busted my ass with deliveries to get my pay where I wanted it. I feel like I did well for the week, although I have a tendency to get anxious when the orders start piling up. I don't mind the work. I'd like it a lot more if I had a more reliable car. I'm basically waiting for it to die any day now. She's been a trooper, and I'll keep her going until she's completely dead.

I made my first sale today as my new company, so that's exciting. I wish I could have celebrated with my girlfriend, but she had to go to sleep for work shortly after I found out. We can't go out to eat and celebrate since all the restaurants are still closed due to Covid stuff. I'm hoping I can at least keep some of the momentum going. I'm getting in a new shipment of product to sell in two days, so fingers crossed for that.

The new diet is going okay for the most part. I've been REALLY hungry since I started. Healthy food isn't very calorie-dense, so it's been an adjustment with no red meat, no pork, no added sugars, and no bread. I find myself pretty much constantly craving bad food. I haven't given in yet. I know I need to do this for my health. I haven't hopped on a scale to see if I've lost any weight. I'm sure I have... but I'm not as concerned with that right now. If weight comes off, great... but at this point I'm just focused on being healthier in general.

I've been really dizzy for a lot of the day today. It could be a number of things. Change in diet. Not eating enough. Not using my CPAP machine last night. Anxiety. There's really no way for me to ever know. I'm hoping it doesn't take more than a few weeks for my body to adjust to all of this.

I've been depressed for a lot of the day. I don't know if it's sugar withdrawal from the drastic change in diet. I've also been feeling really down about my company. I applied for a business loan earlier, and was (of course) denied. I don't have the credit for any loans or lines of credit. It's been incredibly frustrating. I really try my best to stay positive, but the darkness wins more than I wish it did.

I think this blog is helping clear some of the mental clutter. I had insanely weird and vivid dreams last night. Not sure if it's the diet change... possibly not using the CPAP machine. No idea. I'm going to try again tonight to sleep without the machine and see how I feel tomorrow. If I can lose enough weight, I won't really ever have to use it again. The sleep apnea only gets bad when my weight is out of control, like it is currently. I guess we'll see.