6-30-20

8:28 PM

Tonight is my first night in my new apartment with my girlfriend. Currently sitting in the office we set up. It's weird. It's been so long since I've been 'on my own'. I am a mix of so many emotions right now. Happy, sad, excited, exhausted, frustrated.... but mostly just tired. Today is my only day off work this week... and I just... need a fucking break. Work was physically and emotionally exhausting yesterday.. and then today was EXTREMELY physically exhausting. I wish I could take a week off paid. My body needs it. Hell, even 3 or 4 days would help a lot at this point. It's been 21 days since I've been able to use my cpap machine. I've never had seasonal allergies last this long before. I'm getting so tired of not being able to breathe through my nose. Life is just draining right now. It's going to take a while for things to really settle here. It's always so weird living in a new place. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit scared. Then again, new things are always scary. This is all so jumbled and not what I wanted to say. My brain isn't working right now. I'm going to miss my mom a lot. Even though living at home is entirely unacceptable for someone my age, there's a certain comfort that comes with being around family. I guess I'm feeling a bit numb right now. I think it's going to take some time to really process all of this. I wish I could say everything I'm feeling, but I just can't. My brain needs a rest.

6-22-20

11:35 PM

I haven't worked out in a few days. I've been depressed again. Just a lot of dumb life shit going on. Possible problems with getting the apartment with my girlfriend. My business is still failing. The world is still fucked. I find myself in a state of confusion and disorientation most days now. I feel like I'm living in a fog. Just barely getting through my days without actually experiencing or enjoying anything. It's incredibly frustrating. I don't know what to do anymore. Everyone always says if you're in a bad situation, only you can pull yourself out. And I've been trying. FUCK, I've been trying. Life keeps beating me down, and I keep getting back up... but it keeps beating me down. I can't ever just stay up. I truly hate that 95% of my problems right now are because of money. It would fix almost everything in my life. I could get out of debt. I could get my credit up. I could get a working vehicle. I could get a house with my girlfriend. I'm ready for this phase of my life to be over. I'm ready for the bullshit to stop. I'm ready for a better life. I thought this new job would be the answer, but so far it's been nothing but bullshit. I've never been treated so poorly this soon after becoming employed. Usually places at least let you get acclimated before treating you like you don't matter. I'm just over it. I'm over all of it. I am completely lost.

6-19-20

11:03 PM

Worked out again tonight. That's 3 times this week. I'm feeling okay about it. Still trying to slowly ease myself into the workouts and not overdo it.

Today was my first day on my own at the new job. It's stressful. Started having a panic attack toward the end of the day. My brain seems to have some weird aversion to things ending. When I get toward the end of a movie, I get anxious. When I get toward the end of my work day, I get anxious. Not sure what that's about. Started panicking a little about a half hour before my shift ended. Didn't end up being a full-blown panic attack since my shift ended before it got to that point. I wish I knew how to fix that.

My business did okay on sales today. Not able to restock anything since Covid has caused a global shortage of the products I sell.

Planning on moving into an apartment with my girlfriend at the end of the month / beginning of next month. It's going to be a huge financial burden for us both, but we've been trying for months to find a place, and this one has almost everything we need. I'm hoping everything goes smoothly with that.

I'm scheduled to work every day for the foreseeable future. Days off are nice, but I also REALLY need money right now. So I guess I will trudge through the fire.

6-17-20

9:15 PM

I worked out again tonight. Another short workout, but I'm trying to ease myself back into it. I've always had a tendency to go 0-100 when getting back into weight training, and I don't want to make that mistake again and end up hurting myself. My goal is to work out every other day for as long as I can keep my motivation to do so. One of my bad habits... probably my worst habit... is starting things and not finishing them. Or I'll get really excited to be working out again, and then I'll quit 2 weeks later. I really need to not do that this time around. I'm not getting any younger, and I feel like I'll never have the body I've always wanted. There isn't any better time to get in shape. I was going to try to not tell my girlfriend that I started working out, but it accidentally came out today, and of course she was happy for me and encouraged me, but I was really hoping I could keep it from her for a couple months and randomly surprise her with a bit of muscle definition or maybe be a little skinnier. Oh well. I'm grateful that I at least have her support.

She and I will be moving in together hopefully at the end of this month. I am stressed because my new job isn't giving me anywhere near full-time hours even though I was promised 40hrs a week. If I move into a new place and continue to only work 2 days a week, I won't be able to afford rent. I didn't need another thing to stress about, yet here we are.

I have some really great things in my life right now, but I'm still depressed most days, and I can't figure out why. The world just feels different now. Ever since I quit my last job and since coronavirus changed the landscape of the world... things just feel weird. It's hard to put into words. I feel more and more like I'm living in a dystopian novel rather than whatever reality used to be. None of this feels real. I just want to be happy. I'm tired of feeling disconnected. 

6-15-20

10:33 PM

I worked out tonight. Not anything intense. A light workout, but more than I've done in months. I shouldn't feel accomplished, but I do.

I started writing again. I had taken a break for a few months, but I've had some waves of inspiration again lately. I think it was more out of desperation. I realized since my business is mostly failing that writing is one of the few things I've ever been good at. The novel is about halfway finished. That makes me happy, but it's also a bit intimidating. So much finished, but so far to go.

6-13-20

8:13 PM

I am really depressed today. My business is failing. None of my 'friends' talk to me anymore unless I start the conversation. I have no motivation anymore.

6-9-20

10:14 PM

Started my first day of on-the-job training at my new job today. I am fucking EXHAUSTED. Mentally. Physically. Just drained. Sore. And I get to do it all again tomorrow. And the next day. And probably every day for the foreseeable future. I am not eating any better. The only benefit to my job is I'm on my feet and active all day. Walked 11 miles today. The exercise will do me good. I need it. I'm hoping being worn out like this every day will help me sleep better. The money will be nice. I need to read a few pages in the book my girlfriend let me borrow. I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. Truly. 

6-6-20

11:13 PM

I seriously suck. I just do. I'm angry with myself. I haven't even been TRYING to eat better. Not even a little bit. I spent the last two weeks out of town for training at my new job, and I've been binge eating pretty much non-stop. I know I need to stop. I know I do. I keep making excuses. I don't know how to fix this.